I just spent 4 hours sitting in a room working on ABAQUS...

I just spent 4 hours sitting in a classroom working on ABAQUS and all I got was a bunch of dick jokes.

Also, whenever someone learns a new modeling software for analyzing mechanical structures, there is a very high likelihood that someone will draw a giant phallus.



I need sleep!

Lame Joke!

Yeah, I do research on hipster genes. They're pretty obscure so you probably haven't heard of them.

How to Write like the Black Eyed Peas!

Ever since the Super Bowl Performance of 2011, there's been a lot of vitriol aimed at the Black Eyed Peas. So I did what I always do...I jumped on the bandwagon and joined in spewing the hate! In actuality, I've been meaning to put this post together for the last 2 years, but I've been lazy. So here it is: How to put together a track just like will.i.am and his crew!


Then sometimes, just to fuck with us, they decide to really change things up in order to keep their listeners on their feet and create some sort of semblance of creativity:



So there you have it! An analysis of the Black Eyed Peas! Seriously, they were actually quite alright pre-2002. Then the rest of the world heard of them and they decided to push themselves in the pop-realm instead of some of the socially-conscious stuff they were putting together before. I seriously blame Fergie for this.

"Faking" me or How I've Come to Appreciate My Two Years as a Consultant

It might've been a long while ago, but I was once asked whether I've felt like my actions and achievements were dictated by someone else. Not directly, but whether I dressed, talked, laughed, etc. to project a certain image. In a sense, was I "faking" my way through life? And by life, this person meant a relationship. I scoffed at the idea and told him that while it might have felt that way (speaking from my own experience), much of it comes from you, and many times you end up adopting the mannerisms, thought processes and (in a stronger extent) the tastes of the person you've bonded with. And after sometime, it becomes a blur what facets of your personality belong to "you" and what belongs to the other person, only to be borrowed by you. I call that concept, social adaptation.

One of the particular benefits I gained from social adaptation, doesn't come from any particular personality trait that I "acquired" but the self-awareness of the concept also brings about an appreciation of measuring your actions and words. Interestingly, my experiences as a consultant, specifically client dealing and talking with my seniors during the many social events we had, gave me a greater appreciation of this idea. The idea of carefully choosing your words, adapting some of the traits of your coworkers and superiors, and sometimes spining your intentions to project a specific image of yourself, came to be more and more helpful as time passed. It's a little sad to say, but I think I've become a little too good at it. All in all, it sounds dirty, but I've become good at "telling people what they want to hear".

And these days I find myself struggling with that trait I've acquired. No doubt it's been helpful in placating people and perhaps in making friends, but it gets to a whole new level when you start to believe in the things you say. After all, a lie becomes a truth after everyone, including yourself, believes it. So a caution to you, my dear readers. It's fine to measure your words and analyze your repsonse, but be wary that you're telling people what you truly think (at least most of the time)but not what they want to hear!

My First Stand-Up Experience

I finally took the plunge and did an open-mic night. The result? Better than I thought I'd do. I had been putting together joke ideas for the last few months but never wrote anything concrete until the past three weeks or so. I decided to go for it last Tuesday, partly because of my friends' departures (both from the company and/or from Philadelphia...who would've thought I was that passionate and persuasive?), and mostly because of my own looming departure. There's actually a funny story about the whole ordeal:

I was originally slated to perform at Helium Comedy Club, which is a known locale for its good quality open mic nights. I had been there a few times as an observer and audience member (there's a distinction between the two: an observer is someone who pow-wows with the comedians two hours or so before the show, audience is actually sitting in and watching the show). What I didn't realize until the night before is that there's usually a surplus of comedians who sign up to perform. They generally get 50-60 people signing up around 2 hours before performance time, and then post the 20 performers for that night about half-an-hour before showtime. So I go there at about 5:30 (2 and a half hours before showtime) and already see a line of 10-11 people waiting for doors to open so they can sign up. Eventually we make our way to the bulletin board where people place their name for selection around 6pm. My friends from work were excited at the prospect of my performance, and so knowing the whole process, incessantly sent texts asking me whether I was performing that night or not. For the next hour and a half though, I hung around with the other prospective comedians, trading quips, experiences and just chatting the time away. As I moved from one person to the next, voicing my opinion on their topics of discussion in an aptly timed manner, I realized, I was way out of my league with these people. Some of them were just hilarious without trying, and some of them had three-subject notebooks full of material. THREE-SUBJECT NOTEBOOKS! I was actually debating just telling my friends that my name didn't get picked to avoid demonstrating my obvious deficit of comedic talent when the names were announced. I was not one of the 20 chosen ones. Breathing a sigh of relief, I was about to leave when one of the more experienced stand-up guys, Mike*, who had recently moved to Philly and was trying to break into the scene here, informed me about an open mic night at Tabu on 12th & Walnut. A (much) known fact about Tabu: it is considered a gay bar for all intents and purposes. Another known fact about this point in time: I was about 3 beers deep on an empty stomach and was approaching tipsy. When this happens, I throw all caution to the wind and with a rousing "Fuck yeah!", I decide to follow him (which reading this line out of context, makes the intent seem a lot more insidious and dirty). I quickly text all my friends that we're heading to Tabu where I'm guaranteed a spot in the lineup. Immediately, my close friend Lauren* replies "You mean TABU??? The gay sports bar we all went to under Mickey's* recommendation? YES I wanna see u do open mic there (no joke either)".

Looks like I'm doing open mic stand up for sure.

We make our way to the bar, and thanks to the sweltering heat of the Tuesday evening, I sober up slightly more. At this point, I'm informed thanks to a sign on the wall that there really is an open-mic night here (and it wasn't some sort of insidious plan of Mike's to get me in a compromising position), and even better, $3 Coronas. I proceed to sign my name on the roster and pick up two coronas to keep myself socially lubricated. At this point, the rest of my posse arrived here, more than excited to watch this performance. David* pulls out a rather nice quality camera, vowing that he will record my performance and looking more than dedicated to the task. My fate was sealed. Eventually, we all moved upstairs where the performances were taking place, and I sat at the back where the remaining comedians were. One by one, we were called and we exposed our talents to the remainder of the crowd. Some succeeded, others bombed, one comedian in particular decided to take pot-shots at my friends, which was hilarious for me as I reveled in their awkward smiles and clenched grins. Eventually, intermission was called, and I decided I needed one more beer to "relax". I asked the emcee about the roster order. He pointed at my name and remarked, "Looks like you're next, kid." Putting my game face on, I stood ready as my name was announced. "...BROWN SUGAR SINGH!!!!!!!!!!!!" *insert hip-hop track*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFKOAcKr4-g

And that was it! Honestly, the days leading up to it were a small amount of hell and butterflies flying in my stomach but in the end, I had a lot of fun. I have this story to tell. I can stand proud and have my friends say that they know a stand-up comedian (albeit a not-very-good-one yet). And I'm actually motivated to do this as a hobby (I'm planning on doing another one in another two weeks at a slightly larger bar/lounge, new material). Actually the whole motivation part came from Mike who remarked that my material was good and has potential but my delivery needs some work. Which I agree with. Who knows, maybe with a few more shows under my belt, I'll become the next Ken Jeong.

*Names changed to protect individual identities.

An Analysis of Law and Order: Criminal Intent

Now that I've exhausted all the episodes of Law & Order SVU on Netflix and the most recent season has finished, my only choice has been to watch the other spinoff- Law & Order: Criminal Intent. While the show features one of my favorite actors- Vincent D'onofrio, it just can't fully compare to the formulaic goodness and good-guys-getting-justice feeling that SVU was/is. Nonetheless, after watching almost every episode (thank you once again, Netflix), and the recent episodes on the USA Network, I feel qualifed enough to create another academic process flow outlining the standard Criminal Intent episode. Enjoy!



Notes:
The NYPD Major Case Squad actually doesn't solve murders. The actual group looks at cases of robberies/thievery amounting to $200,000 or more.
*Chris Noth is Mr. Big on the show Sex & The City. No, I don't actually watch the show, I swear!

God of Button-Mashing Action

**Note: As in all my reviews, there will be some minor spoilers. Nothing game-breaking but the warning still applies.**

Most good sequels to games work by a standard formula: Keep the fundamentals the same; streamline some of the functionality of the original; hide or get rid of the bad bits and most importantly- make sure the feeling and vibe the player got from the original is intrinsically there. It comes to no surprise then that God of War 3 pretty much plays the same as the previous 2 titles.

To the uninitiated, the God of War series is an button-mashing action game series with some minor platformer elements. You play as Kratos, a promising Spartan Army captain who starts as a man, becomes a god, loses his godhood, goes to hell 3 times, manages to fight his way out of hell 3 times, and commits some of the most gruesome acts of violence, brutality and evisceration ever portrayed on a tv-screen. In terms of personality- Kratos would fit into the anti-hero architype. His actions are seen as cruel and sometimes evil, but he maintains his own code of honor and only attacks/kills those who stand in his way (and even then, gives them fair warning to acquisces to his demands).

The plot of the series is that of revenge and the overall purpose of the series' stories are to provide an explanation as to why the Greek Pantheon vanished. Herein lies the problem I had with this game. The overall structure of the story was literally the same as the previous 2 games. The first level demonstrates all of Kratos's abilities at their optimum- as a means to acclimate the player to the controls of the game. After this, something happens as part of the story line which reduces Kratos's abilities and the remainder of the game is spent regaining those powers. Insert a couple chapters of Kratos overcoming adversity, random puzzles, a few epic fights against popular figures in Greek mythology, their subsequent brutal and interactive demise and a final fight against the antagonist(s) and you have the God of War story formula. While the story seems all too familiar, I can certainly say that the execution of the plot was masterful. I don't know of many other games where the second level is set in Hell, and the boss fight is against Hades- God of the Underworld. To reiterate- the second level boss is Hades. You kill the God of the Underworld and Death in the second level. That, my friends, is deep.

The real reason to play this game, is the gameplay though. True, the mechanics from the previous games remain unchanged. You still have the blades of , with the same combination attacks. Kratos uses magic, gains the use of several other weapons, the player ignores the new weapons since the blades happen to be the best weapon in the game (one exception is the new Nemean Cestus, a pair of heavy gauntlets shaped like lion heads). Combat is still a mix of button mashing, where combos can be performed by inputting button sequences alternating between light and heavy attacks. The QTE (Quick Time Event: where the player has to input button commands during a cinematic event- failure results in taking damage and having to restart the sequence or instant death) remains popular, and appears more often than before. One issue I had with this was a single boss fight in GOW3 is entirely made of QTEs. Granted, it was absolutely gorgeous and epic to witness, but playing through that part made me feel a little dissociated from the action. Thankfully, the makers decided to streamline item usage. Instead of items relying on your magic meter from the previous games, which led to some very dire consequences if you happened to run out of magic power in the middle of a boss fight, a new item meter has been introduced which regenerates. Overall, I was happy with the experience, and other than a few moments where I was frustrated with the platform jumping, I was able to play through the game without having to stop due to any sort of inherent flaws in the gameplay. Suffice to say, if you die a lot in this game- it's pretty much your fault.

Graphically, the makers clearly pushed the PS3 to their limits. The beginning cinema shows a very '300'-style motif, giving the backdrop of the current story (Kratos has united with the Titans to attack Mt. Olympus and take down Zeus and the rest of the Pantheon). In combat is where the graphics really seem to shine. Every gruesome detail is present. Finishing off a Centaur results in a rather gory scene where Kratos's blades tear into the hindquarters of the creature, letting out a stream of entrails and other viscera. And so it becomes prudent to issue a warning. This game is NOT for the faint of heart or squeamish. There is a lot of gore depicted in excruciating detail. The music is top-notch, perfectly providing the proper motifs for each of the areas and scenes. Particular highlights are the rearranged version of the God of War 2 theme (The End Begins) and Kratos's new theme, which is reminiscent of John William's Jaws theme (as in when you hear it, you know some bad shit is about to go down).

In closing, this game isn't going to make new fans of the series. Other than the story, the game does an excellent job of fixing those very minor quibbles I've had with the previous games in the series, without sacrificing anything in other areas. Replayability is a minor issue, as well as length (I finished the game on Normal in about 9 hours), but I can see myself jumping back to the game maybe after a couple of months- if only to watch the ridiculously graphic finishers. Definitely worth a purchase for any fan of action games- and not just to complete the collection.